Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
