Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We have started to decorate penises.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
