Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
