I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
