i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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