I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We are all done wearing pants today
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
