someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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