ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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