if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
