guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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