I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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