I wish I could teleport
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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