this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
