also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Damn victory sex feels great
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
