im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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