What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
