There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
