Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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