Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
