If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
