Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
