omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
