her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
