I feel like abortions should bother me more
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
