why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
