the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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