No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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