By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
