FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
