I wish my penis had an off switch
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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