Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
