My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
