Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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