Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
