Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
