I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
