are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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