chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the condom got lost in my hair
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
