sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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