Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
