I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Found your dick twin last night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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