A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
