Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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