the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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