either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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