my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
