I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
