Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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