i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Even my vagina gasped.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
