i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
