I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
