do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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