The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
